It's Hamma' Time

The other day a friend of mine asked me for advice regarding their pending separation and, ultimately, divorce. More specifically, he wanted to know how I survived it what with all the highly emotional, legal, and financial issues.

That is a loaded question. I understood his trepidation completely. I had the same fears and wanted a ton of answers to questions I didn't even know how to ask.

First, I’m not sure my circumstances are over enough to where my survival can even be counted in the category of “been there, done that”. There are still lingering, almost daily issues. So, I prefaced my comments in the conversation that I didn’t have an appropriate answer. I’m still a work in progress.

Secondly, and more importantly, I’m incredibly biased by own understandings, strengths, and inadequacies. I don’t have a well rounded experience in divorce (thank goodness).

But that is not what my friend wanted to hear. He wanted me to tell him what to do. And that got me thinking.

I’ve been doing some minor construction projects lately and I have construction on the brain. So, I easily went right to the following analogy. For a person comfortable with a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. Got a problem? No big deal, use my divorce-hammer. Bang away at it and your problem can be solved with my hammer. That'll fix it.

At the architecture firm with which I am employed, I’ve been using the same marketing hammer for nine years to some moderate success. Those who have found chiropractors for back pain issues sing the praises of the adjustment hammer, while acupuncturists use that needle-nosed hammer. Recovering alcoholics view the world with their AA hammer, while others find solace in the corner bar...Hammered. Conservatives swing their Rush Limbaugh hammer while Liberals hit their nails with an Olbermann hammer made for lefties. Nutritionists say my cholesterol issues are diet related and should be fixed with a low-fat/whole grain hammer while my doctor fixes me up with the Lipitor hammer.

All of those hammers hit the nail on the head.

I am positive there are studies upon studies that show the biases all around. And I guess that if you truly want to nail it, one should look at the problems in a different way. Take it as an opportunity to find the best solution, not one based on bias. My way is not the right way. And neither is yours all the time, either.

So, my advice to a friend during a very difficult time was to simply be the best person possible. Use whatever tools are available to stay secure, as well as emotionally and financially centered. Be creative. The rest is a work in progress anyway. In fact, divorce and the life after it is a complex construction project in multiple phases. One might need more than a hammer.

Besides, it is fun to wield the electric drill every now and then. Demolition with a saws-all is always a good time. And there is always duct tape for emergencies. More to the point and on a personal note, I've learned to improvise as I lost my favorite hammer in my divorce.