Celebrating Another Year of Daddyism (or Its Father’s Day, Again)

“He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” – Clarence Budington Kelland

As I tick off another notch in the annals of Father’s Days, I am confronted once again with the concept of Daddyism. One can start HERE, of course. But I must admit the center of the concept continually changes.

Daddyism resembles a long, dreamy road trip ripe with illogicalities and absurdity. For brief moments one has the audacity to presume the ride is a sporty convertible and a meandering open road; the wind in your hair, the sun on your face, perfect music, and the world in front of you. The next moment, a shriek from the back seat turns the driving to a clunky, beat up wagon, a steep downhill mountain pass where one questions the validity of the brakes.

In other words, no matter where one thinks you are on the Dad spectrum, “psyche!” That is Daddyism.

Daddyism feels a lot like being lost in L.A. without a GPS. Well, not really lost. You know you are in L.A. someplace. It doesn’t really look like what L.A. is supposed to look like. You see tons of sprawling strip malls and palm trees, but you don’t see anything you know to point you on the right track. Half the people speak some other language one can’t understand (including English) making asking for directions beyond taboo. Besides, you’re not really lost. You just can’t seem to locate that one familiar landmark.

No matter what the outward persona looks like, fathers are destined to navigate an unknown highway. We hopelessly search for something intended to stay hidden. Fatherhood is a place where drive, ambition, and a sense of purpose are routinely translated as narcissism and self-importance. In other words, sometimes the driver needs to take a back seat to reality. Daddyism !

After 18 plus years it is foolish to claim all this stuff is easy. Family matters have only gotten complicated, busy, and increasingly emotive. The calm offerings of Dad are often just a delusion to the contrary. But, that is ok.

On the surface, I hope to be seen by my family and peers as a father with wisdom and understanding. Indeed, it has been a great ride so far. To my kids, I hope they see through the fool they think I am to one day be the wise dad, navigating the world with a enough skill that they no longer feel the need to “tell me the way it is.” To my wife, I hope she can hold back the laughter until we are far, far away from earshot. And to me and my Daddyism, I simply hope to maintain that inner GPS.

Daddyism. A Father's Day Tradition Like No Other.

As another Father’s Day approaches, one muddles over the unfortunate things inflicted on the kids over the years, despite a Dad's best efforts and intentions to do the right thing in the right way. Given the relevant, recent history with a divorce and now a new marriage, I worry if my own issues might have permitted the kids to fall a bit into the cracks.

I should have known things had gone off-kilter when my Father’s Day gift a year or so back was a glass butter dish. A butter dish! Seriously! This kids crack falling thing is not the most celebratory thought right before another Father’s Day. Yet, it is just another part of Daddyism.

Daddyism relies on a heavy concept that, all in all, the kids are relatively resilient. Whatever mistakes and missteps their Dad makes, the mere attempt at doing the right thing as a father seems to prevail. One can only hope.

June 19th, 2011 is my 15th Father’s Day celebration. The number itself means very little except to offer a bench mark in time. It is easy to get caught up in it all, to look back upon experiences and events and feel time as fleeting. Looking forward to events yet to come there are driving lessons and SATs; high school graduations and proms; and, just a handful of remaining family vacations around the corner. All too soon (poof!) they should be off to college where both the fatherly influences and inadequacies shall have a relatively zero mitigated impact (thank goodness). Then, if history predicts anything, it’ll be another ten years before the kids return to perhaps see ‘ol Dad wasn’t/isn’t so bad after all.

The other day, I saw where the Houston Zoo had a rather unique day for Dads planned. Kid’s can name an endangered toad after their Dad and celebrate that splendor. How appropriate and funny and a wonderful illustration of a hidden truth. Somewhere in the layers and layers of parental phobias and decisions and daddy dogma, there is an uplifting calm, not to mention hilarity, in the humanity of Daddyism. I embrace that concept and philosophy, completely.

Daddyism holds perspective power. Most of us don’t truly realize our own kid-dom. We are mostly a product of the chronological listing of stretched stories and half-truths. Our memories change, filter, and reprioritize the important who-ness, what-ness, where-ness, when-ness, why-ness, and how much-ness (as well as, bad ass-ness) of our histories. Much is forgotten in the timelines from diapers to driving. We watch it happen, take a few notes, document it all as best we can, but the minutiae and wonderful details get lost on the shuffle to get to the inevitable what is next in life. Yet, the best part of Daddyism is our front row seat to watch it all unfold so we can, hopefully, talk about it later.

And it does unfold in strange ways. What seems like yesterday, I remember a small, chubby baby barely able comprehend the beauty of a simple fart, yet smiles anyway. Today, we belly laugh as we quickly roll down the windows of the car, knowing full well the profound accomplishment. Now THAT is human progress; an illustration of the overwhelming human experience boiled down into chunks one can more readily digest.

Yes, true Dads laugh. A lot! They harbor no overwhelming sorrow. No obvious fear. They are compassionate, yet strong. There is no status-envy as one would be hard pressed to think of a more cherished position for a man. True Dads love unconditionally. We promote productive, positive possibilities and a propensity for play, purposefully.

Sounds fun, doesn’t it? For those non-Daddyism endorsers, there isn’t a much more compelling argument for or against Daddyism than that. Daddyism doesn’t offer a cure-all to what ails you; quite the opposite, actually. It sells to Dads that front row seat perspective as the days, months, and years parade by offering you rare conclusions or quick fix solutions, but a heck of a lot of enjoyment along the way.

The risk is that, one way or the other, the kids might turn out to be just like you. Not the solace you are looking for, huh?! No harm, no foul. Life is elusive in handing one explanations and directions for happiness, significance, and reason. The Zen in me says, right there, THAT IS Daddyism in and of itself.

Maybe, the only real risk is that one day the kids offer you thanks by naming an endangered toad after you as you bask in the immense capacity of their love. This thought gives me hope. It is better than a butter dish and that there is progress. They are learning, in spite my fatherly falters and many misgivings.

Happy Daddyism and a wonderful Father’s Day to the Dads out there.